I’m finally ready to talk about it.

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Wow. Two years already.. I have to say it has been amazing.

Moving to Spain was my dream for such a long time, and speaking honestly I never thought I would ever do it. My roots, my everything was in Finland. And leaving everything behind without a real plan was a really scary leap for a 22-year-old. In tha back of my mind I was already convinced I’d fail miserably. But, I’m still here. I’m a living, functioning adult with hopes, dreams and ambitions. From a ”little gray mouse” that didn’t ever really fit in everywhere, and finding my voice and courage to grow was a long, scary battle against anxiety and everything you know that comes with it. No medication, no psychiatrist no nothing. And even though I feel that I’m still not over this battle, all the amazing people in my life has made every step more joyos to take.

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I think the lowest I have been during my journey to self discovering was the realization, was the spring when I lived with a flatmate in the center of Palma. That time, I was not my best self. Cutting ties to the ones closest to me at home, and really taking the time to see that the only one I was hurting was myself. I was cynical, critical of everything and faulting everyone I could about my own mistakes for no mercy. It was truly a dark place. Thinking back now, I can’t really say what made me switch. But from one day to the next, my mentality completely changed. I started taking more care of myself, accepting myself for how I am and really understanding how my brain works. Forcing to redirect my focus and attention from any kind of bad trigger.

From there also appeared my interest in starting to exercise. Yes, by myself. I started by watching Blogilates on Youtube, and feeling the adrenaline from when I finally finished with my sets. it was thrilling! Until the point it came a really bad obsession..

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Spending hours at supermarkets, reading every label. Beating myself up if I even thought about chocolate or anything in my eyes ” unhealthy ”. Sure, the less I ate and the more exercise I did came the results. And my lord how I loved the feeling of straining myself with waist training. In the end of the summer, starting fall I got really sick. Well, I thought it was just a common cold. A common cold that went on what in the and was almost two months.

One day, I woke up feeling really weak and tired so I called in sick to work. And even though I’d have to go all the way to the other side of the center just for a piece of paper, in the end I could sleep the day in. No such thing. They made some tests, and in the end they discovered my left kidney was failing due to infections in my body. Bad diet, and obsessively exercising was now trying to kill me. And I spent the next week or so with IV tubes and force feeding myself to the point I was crying just for eating pasta. And from there I could not get up by myself. And lucky me, I had someone to lean on. Someone who from that day on has been always on my side.

If you made it all the way to here, and could give you one thing from all of this is to love and take care of yourself unconditionally.

Always with love,

Paulatrax

Escrito por

I`m a 1994 Born Leo with a passion to thrive.

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