That’s something they always ask you at some point. What would you do if you could go back in time? Would you change something? What would it be?
Well, it is a tricky question. We all have our remorses. We all have our ‘What ifs’. What’s mine you might ask? The first one would be the one I’ll have to live with the rest of my life.
My closest ones know the story of the person that was my universe, my everything and someone I would protect to the last drop of blood in me. It is not always a love interest, a family member, or someone that you’ve known for ever. Mine was neither of the above.
Mine was a visionaire. A true artist and the only one who I believed would be the one to succeed.. With only 18 years old, was taken from this earth. From my sight and out of my reach by depression and anxiety. She was someone who I met in High School. Siiri. She was a tiny, read headed short girl with a imagination and thought process like no other. I met her while I was batteling with my own demons, and somehow, being there for her and seeing how she let me break her barriers down, gave me the want and energy I needed to survive my own issues.
Siiri was not like the ‘usual’ girls. She had shaved, or sometimes half shaven hair, cargo boots and her own opinion of the world. And she was the purest thing I had. Looking at her glow while she talked about a girl that she had the hugest crush on, or a fictional character gave me more than any coffee or Red Bull could ever give me. If only at that time I would have already know what I knew too late.
Siiri had her own demons, demons that she fought every day from the time she woke up to when she fell asleep on the phone talking to me. That was our little routine on the days I was otherwise occupied, and for a long time it seemed to help her to get better. Until the night she called me crying. I still remember her words like it was yesterday. ” There’s blood everywhere’. I was sleeping on my mothers couch after a fight with a boyfriend, but when I heard how frighten she was on the phone my heart just froze.
I grabbed the nearest clothes next to me, and just ran outside with only my phone and wallet. Not knowing what to do, I bombarded an ex of mine that lived near with calls. Being a night owl I knew he was up, most probably playing on the computer. After the 100th call, he finally picked up the phone. I only remember being frantic, and just uttering out words as I cried from the panic. As he drove to my mothers drive way with his fathers old Volkswagen, I told her that my friend was in trouble. The drive there was a bit aqward, we had broken up the millionth time, and not in the best of turns. As always.
Siiris house was in the middle of a forest, and getting there took some time. As we reached the last house on the row I saw her. Pale, crying and a blood stained towel wrapped on her wrist. I ran out of the car to hug her. Trying to fight back the tears. I had to be the strong one for her..
When we got to the emergency room, my ex had left back and I was left with Siiri in the middle of the chaos. Being a twenty something year old, I kind of hoped he would be the adult at the situation, but I was already grateful he got us there.
After some waiting, and a few stitches after. Siiri was pulled from me to a room to talk to two women. Phychologists, I think. And I stayed right outside the door. One hour passed by. Two. Three.. As I wondered if my mom would have already noticed me being gone, one of the women woke me up from a half trance. She told me Siiri was going to stay on psych ward for a while, and that I could call the next day to know when I could see her. I felt small, hopeless. I knew she was going to be ok, but she wasn’t with me. Why don’t they let me be with her. She was MINE to take care of. Not some strangers that did not know another colour, that was not light beige.
Beaten I started to wonder how to get back home. I had no battery and only 20 euros to my name. Buses were still not driving, it was raining and I was not about to walk for hours to get back. So I did the next best thing. I sought out the kindest looking taxi driver, and expalined the situation. As I finished talking about the whole chaos, he looked like he was going to cry too. He explained to me, that he had two daughters of his own. Our age. And he took me home free of charge.
After all that, I went to see her almost every day. I brought her anything she needed, and took her out when she was allowed to leave. I grew protective of her. When a stranger tried to talk to her on the street, I would fearlessly come between them. I would not care if something were to happen to me. She HAD to be safe. No exeptions. And everything went back to being okay for some time. She called me every day. Sometimes crying, and we would talk about it. She even started to be happy, and started dating the girl she had a crush on.
But then, comes the day I will regret the rest of my life. I did not pick up the phone. It was late, and I probably was tired of work or something. My then boyfriend was on his way to cruise with his company, and I was left to his place all by myself. Even writing about it now, still gets my heart to sink. It was that simple, just pick up the phone.
The next day I tried to call her back. Nothing. I tried again, still straight to voicemail. At the third time I had my heart in my ears. Was something wrong? Maybe she was angry at me? What if something happened? But, as the hours passed by, and I had no response, I gave up. I texted my boyfriend to ask how everything was, and also talked a bit with my best friend at the time. She wanted to come over and have a girls night. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I said yes. It was late, when I finally sent a text to Siiri.
”Hey, sorry I didn’t call back sooner. I was super tired.. Are you okay? ”
All of the sudden my phone rang. It was her! Oh, I was so happy. Well, for the moment untill I recognized that it was her mother. She had found Siiri in her new apartment. My heart sank as I dropped right off my feet. I didn’t protect her. I failed. The whole room went dark after that. Then the doorbell rang, just as I was going to cancel the nights plans. There was my best friend, looking exited with a bottle of a 75% Finnish whiskey, as always. The exitement on her face changed the second when I opened the door, and she as she was starting to ask what had happened, I bursted to an uncontrollable mess.
On November 24th, 2014, we all gathered on a small chappel to say our last good byes as we covered ther coffin with her favourite flowers.